Grammy's Boots

Many of you know that every month I call my Grammy to go over her bills and balance her checkbook for her. She is in CT and it is heartbreaking that she is so far away, but she always manages to make me laugh with her repetitive stories and the little things she says.

The beginning of September I went through the typical ritual and everything seemed fine. I did notice that she wrote a check to Comfort Moccasins. I didn't think much about it at the time. I figured she probably ordered something out of one of her magazines of the newspaper.

Well, Friday she called my mother to ask her if she sent her some boots. My mother said, "No, why would I send you boots? I don't even like boots or anything about boots so I wouldn't send you any." My Grammy proceeds to tell my mom that earlier in the week she received an odd box and inside were some rubber soled thick lined boots. She said the book was like a plastic material and inside was an invoice that said zero on it so she threw it all away and the trash had already been picked up. My mom asked if they fit and she said yes. Of course, there is still no clue as to where they came from.

So, my mother tells me the story and I say "She sent a check for them." And my mom starts saying "What are you talking about?" I look at the check register and there it is 8/23/09 a check to Comfort Moccasins. My mother can't stop laughing, and quite frankly neither can I. I call my Grammy and say "I hear you got some boots." And she says, "Yes, I have no idea where they came from." And I say, "You ordered them." To which she says, "I did?" (read that with a high level of shock) "Let me get my checkbook." As she puts the phone down on the table I hear her say "Oh Lord, oh Lord." I am trying really hard to contain myself at this point. She comes back to the phone and I tell her to go to the date of 8/23/09 and look for check number 2395 and there in front of her are the words Comfort Moccasins. She now says she is blushing and hanging her head in shame and tells me to never get old (well, it's too late for that - we are all headed in that direction). After she goes on telling me all about the boots and that she forgot all about them since they didn't show up right away (she doesn't realize it takes a while to mail a check, process the check and the order and then ship the product unlike shopping online or using a debit/credit card on the phone). I ask her if she likes them and she says "Oh yes!" So I say, "Well good, because you have new boots." By-the-way, she keeps calling them boots, but I'm thinking they are probably slippers with a rubber sole so that if you need to run to the mailbox they won't get ruined and you don't have to chance shoes.

As the southerners say "Bless her heart!"

Porn and the Super Bowl

Just in case you don't pay attention to what's going on in the world (or even the U.S.) there was a little incident in Tuscon, AZ where in the middle of the Super Bowl 10-30 seconds (I don't recall exactly and I don't even think it matters at this point) of porn interrupted the football game.

Imagine this...families in Tuscon are huddled around the TV talking about the game, drinking beers, hanging out with grandparents and kids alike and suddenly porn is on the big screen! Yep! Right there for all to enjoy.

This subject got the DJs on QBert talking and they asked people to call in about the most embarrassing experiences with porn. I couldn't help but laugh because it reminded me of a story involving my (then) teenage cousin and my grandmother.

My aunt and cousins were staying at my grandparents for a while and my grandparents are die-hard Christians and church-goers. There are some things my grandmother won't tolerate and porn is one of them (along with what she calls filthy language). My grandparents had gone out of town for a while and my cousin had some friends over (my aunt worked long hours so my cousin had a lot of free time).

After my grandparents returned home my grandmother was in the living room one day and realized there was a tape in the VCR so she decided to see what it was. Much to her shock and dismay it was a porn flick. And she was NOT happy! She immediately took it out of the VCR, headed to the kitchen sink, filled it with hot water and proceeded to baptize the tape. She dunked it and prayed and then pulled the tape out of the inside. And she also grabbed one of my cousin's rap cassettes and baptized it too.

When he came home and saw her doing this he asked what was going on. When she told him about the video from the VCR he flipped out. He started saying "Grandma...that wasn't mine. That belonged to a friend and he has to return it to the rental place." My grandmother basically told him that if he was going to let that smut be in her house it was her's to do with what she wanted.

I don't think that story will ever NOT be funny to me. Nothing like seeing your grandmother baptize a video and cassette and then rip the guts out!

My Grandmother is sooo funny!

My grandfather died 3 years ago (will be 4 in July) and since that time I have been handling my grandmother's checkbook. She writes checks to pay her bills and then I go online to her bank and keep a check register of all her checks and deposits.

Every month after the first week of the month (I have to wait for her Social Security and Civil Service checks to be deposited) I call her and we go over her checkbook. Below is a glimpse of what these conversations sound like:

ME: Hi Grammy. It's Heather.
HER: Hello. It's your grandmother.
ME: Yes, I know. I called you.
HER: Hold on...let me get my book.
ME: Okay...
HER: Okay so I have $xxx.xx for Social Security and $xxx.xx for Civil Service.
ME: Yes. That's right.
HER: Okay, where do you want to start?
ME: I see the last check you wrote was ONE TWO ZERO EIGHT for FOUR ONE ONE TWO. (Yes, I actually say each number instead of 1208 (twelve oh eight) for $41.12 (forty-one twelve) because she gets confused.) Have you written any other checks since that one?
HER: OH YES! I have written so many checks this month.
ME: Okay, ONE TWO ZERO NINE?
HER: THREE ONE TWO SEVEN for the pharmacy
ME: Okay, ONE TWO ONE ZERO?
HER: TWO ONE SEVEN TWO. I had to go to the pharmacy again because my other prescription wasn't ready.
ME: Okay. That's fine. ONE TWO ONE ONE?
HER: No. That's it. (ummm...didn't she just say she had written a bunch of checks? Did I miss something?)
ME: Okay. Are you sure that's it?
HER: Yes.
ME: Okay. You have interest to add in the amount of ONE FIVE THREE. Hold on and I will add everything up.
HER: Okay. I have time. You are my angel from Heaven. I really appreciate you doing this for me.
ME: Of course. I know you do. Okay...you're new total is (and this is fictional of course) ONE SEVEN TWO FIVE FOUR SIX.
HER: Okay...SS (amount spelled out), Civil Service (amount spelled out), Interest (amount spelled out) and balance (spelled out).
ME: Yes. That's right.
HER: You have no idea how much of a help you are to me. The neighbors have been so nice. I ate dinner with them 2 times last month. I went out for lunch with my other angel from Heaven, Gary. Bill brought me my 23rd chicken sandwich for lunch the other day (yes, she is keeping track of how many sandwiches he has brought her). People have been so nice to me. I am so lucky. Everyone hugs me at church when I go.
ME: Of course they do grammy. Everyone loves you.
HER: I just miss your grandfather so much. I look over at his chair and I just see him there. I want to be with him.
ME: We miss him too, but we want you here. It's not your time yet.
HER: I know. I just miss him.
ME: We all do.
HER: Give everyone my love. Give mom and dad a hug for me.
ME: I will.
HER: Thank you so much for all your help. You are my angel from Heaven.
ME: You're welcome. I love you. Good bye.
HER: Bye.

For the record...except for the specific dollar amounts - this is pretty much the exact conversation we have every single month! Gosh I love her!

I'm not very PC...

Today PSPants and I went to lunch and had a swell time talking about the holidays and such…

On the way back we got into a bit of a conversation about stuff that is not very PC (hell…it’s not PC at all)! First being this horrible new joke out about John Travolta’s son who just died. So, the joke goes “Did you hear what John Travolta’s son died of?” “No.” “Oh, it was Saturday Night Fever.” HAHA – get it? Okay, I know…that was one more confirmation that I am going straight to hell. But it’s not as bad as the Sarah Palin joke which I will not repeat to mixed company (since some people who I don’t really know might be reading this…).

This conversation lead us to discuss things such as people who are racist. Did you know that when I was growing up Brazil nuts were called Nigger Toes?? Are you kidding me? I remember being at my grandparents house and my grandfather saying “Hand me some of those nigger toes.” I was a kid and I was mortified! “What? We have a bowl full of black people’s toes? Grandma…Say it isn’t so!”

So, on that note the discussion comes up about my cousins who are “mulatto” because my dad’s sister (white) married a black man. This was kind of troublesome a little over 20 years ago for some reason, but I grew up thinking everyone had a black uncle. Don’t you? You know how kids go through the phase of “My daddy is better than your daddy…” and you are in fights with the neighbor kid because you are sure your daddy can beat up their daddy? Well, it was one of those days at my grandma’s house. J (my cousin) was on our side of the fence and the little white girl from next door had a friend over. They were throwing rocks at each other and saying “My daddy is better than your daddy…” My cousin must have run out of things to say because he threw one last rock and said “Well, my daddy’s big and black!” And the girls gasped and ran inside. I guess they couldn’t top that!

Using the word mulatto made PSPants remember that when she grew up they were called high yellow. Not a nice thing to say, but then I don’t know for sure that mulatto is either – I mean, isn’t that a Pepperidge Farm snack with chocolate between two white cookies? Nope…I’m wrong – I just looked up the real meaning of mulatto (see below). One of my non-written goals for 2009 was/is to learn new words…today’s word is mulatto.

The word is MULATTO which means:- mu·lat·to [m láttō, m ltō]n (dated)
1. a taboo term for somebody who has one black and one Caucasian parent
2. a taboo term for somebody who has both black and Caucasian ancestors
3. a term, socially acceptable in the Caribbean Islands and other Latin American regions, for somebody who has one black and one Caucasian parent
4. a term, socially acceptable in the Caribbean Islands and other Latin American regions, for somebody who has both black and Caucasian ancestors.

*Side note…note trying to offend. Just being honest and kids are the worst – they are honest to a fault and most of what I discussed above was based on when we were kids. So take it or leave it…

Oh my God - I'm my grandmother!

I will admit it - I have a thing for fashion and pride myself on matching. To some it may seem a bit overboard, but I like what I like and what I like is to match! And by that I mean that a hot red purse goes with EVERYTHING! And you know what? Now that I think about it - my new patent leather red purse has a striking resemblance to the little red number my grandmother used to have that I loved to use for dress up. Oh how I will have to scan the photo and show just how wonderful it was! (And, of course, show you my new one).

But, as I was saying - OMG - I'm my grandmother! Three years ago my grandfather passed away and quite frankly we didn't think my grandmother would hang in there with us - we sincerely thought she may die of a broken heart after losing my grandfather. We are very happy that was not the case - especially since she gives us some pretty funny stories to pass along. Which brings me to why I think I'm my grandmother!

My mother is talking to her the other day and she proceeds to tell my mother about her LifeLine that she invested in (with no coercion from us) to ensure her safety. Well, imagine my mother's surprise when my grandmother informs her that she does not always like wearing the LifeLine because it doesn't match her jewelry and/or her outfit. Because I know I will be in her shoes one day with the need for a LifeLine I am going to see what I can do to design some that are a lot more fashionable - I mean, when I'm 83 I want to look HOT and I need my LifeLine to match thank you very much!